The Legend Of King Arthur Of The Commentariat

It’s the year 3031. Life is easy, but that wasn’t always the case. The threat of global warming was defeated by Elon Musk who, in 2022, invented a ‘hyper-refrigerator’. Within a year of this staggering event, Amazon and Google revealed their long concealed plot to establish fully automated luxury communism via a clever use of drones and search algorithms. This was even more shocking as it was revealed that Jeff Bezos and Yannis Varoufakis were actually the same person.  However, none of this would have been possible if it wasn’t for the, now legendary, events that took place in Great Brexian during the ‘summer’ of 2016. This, my furry friends , is the story of how fully-automated-socialistic- anarcho-marxomatic-Corbo- Utopianism came to be born…

Hounslow Leisure Centre, June, 3029

For years the Arthurian myth of Owain Jones was dismissed as hearsay, a whisp on the wind, a flurry of fancy in a frothy cappuccino casino of decaf latte. But now for the first time, here is the truth…

Through a laughably basic medium known as the Internet  ( yes, the thing that caused the robot wars), Owain ‘published’ something known as a ‘bog’. A Bog was a means for people to express opinions  that people wouldn’t pay to ‘read’*, (when money** still existed).

*what happened before you just knew everything. 

**a means of quantifying unhappiness

Prior to the ‘Nullification Of Opposites’ there used to be a conceptual struggle within the populace over something called politics. With no proven scientific expertise or ability Owain managed to change the course of history with 9 simple challenges – in the form of a ‘Bog’. Comparable to the trails of Hercules or the riddle of the Sphinx many a leftist died, mainly of boredom, trying to overcome these fiendish problems until one day, one glorious and exultant day, when the solution appeared. A person known as  Richard Burgon solved the riddles simply by shouting really really loudly in a compelling manor. There was no sword.There was no stone. There was only shouting. Here is a record of that shouting:

Richard Burgon, Jeremy Corbyn Rally, Leeds, July 2016

The answers to Owains Challenges: (imagine the answers in a compelling shouty voice, in a hall, in Leeds, over a thousand years ago).


 

 

 

1) How can the disastrous polling be turned around?

  • Owen Smith stands down/JC Wins the leadership contest
  • Leftist NEC is secured. HQ starts to function
  • Party unites and/or sabotage is met with Mason Strategy
  • Combine increased MSM presence, lack of counter-briefing, targeted social media campaign, grass roots mobilisation and clear messaging on positive and inclusive policies that appeal to all.
  • This doesn’t mean millibandian triangulation but simple and positive repeated messages that are timeless and true.
  • Eg – inequality is bad for everyone. We don’t need to appeal directly to altruism for this arguement to appeal to selfish Tory shits. It is scientifically evidenced and a few key facts on repeat would soon wake people up.
  • Employ a better comms team.

 

image
Speaking from inside an Amazon warehouse, Jeff Bezos announces he is Yannis Varoufakis


2) Where is the clear vision?

  • Buried beneath layer upon layer of toxic sabotage and collusion with mainstream media. The messages are simple now, and have been since the start. Getting them out with a sabotaging PLP is almost impossible. The vision is what inspired you to campaign for him in the first place, it hasn’t changed much.
  • He will be setting it out clearly, again, over the next few weeks due to the shitty leadership contest

3) How are the policies significantly different from the last general election?

  • A slightly irrelevant question. All that matters is what the policies are, who they appeal to, and how they are communicated.
  • Issue with last election was triangulated often contradictory policies and messaging that few could easily digest. Is predatory capitalism an easy concept to grasp? NO. Is sort of being against austerity, but not really being against it and accepting criticisms of labours previous record clear? NO
  • Labour is loudly and clearly anti-austerity, pro-public spending and pro-equality. If this was the case at the last election it wasn’t even vaguely clear.

4) What’s the media strategy?

  • The digital strategy is clear, it is weak on MSM. Either Seamus doesn’t really know what he’s doing or it’s, quite possibly impossible to get anything done in the toxic environment they’re in. Change of staff needed if no improvement soon.
  • Other part of media strategy should be to get rid of toxic PLP members ‘a la Mason’. How can you get any messages across if people within your own party constantly contradict you to the delight of the right wing media. You can only do it if the party is united. It will only be united if toxic part is removed.

    image.jpeg
    ‘A la Mason’

5) What’s the strategy  to win over the over 44s?

  • Easy, most of Corbo’s policies are immensely appealing to this group. Start talking about them in the language and context of these peoples lives.
  • Job security is really important to these people. Corbo has the policies for this.
  • Low cost education for children and youths are important. He has the policies for this.
  • Enabling young people to leave the nest through housing is important. He has the policies for this.
  • Good quality infrastructure – transport and local services also really important to this group. He has the policies for this.

6) What’s the strategy to win over Scotland?

  • This is a pointless waste of time in this current moment. It is football team politics to even bother with this. Strike up an alliance with the SNP, an others, and worry about the precious football branding another time. We need the SNP to defeat the Tories. Trying to ‘win over Scotland’ will detract energy from where it really needs to go – next question.
d63c65924f28702d941697280e632fbc
Barnet Community Centre, 3019

7) What’s the strategy to win over conservative voters?

  • Appeal to the small c. Preserve and enhance what is great about this country. Things won’t get worse for Tory voters, they’ll get better. Address them directly. Go to their heartlands.
  • Poverty loses the economy 78bn etc. Inequality is bad for everyone etc. Crime will drop.  Investment in public sector will improve their lives. Appeal to small businesses and entrepreneurs. JC has the policies for all of this.
  • Get Clive Lewis out more – him being an ex-solider seems patriotic and some how contradictory to leftism. Can play on this, and should. Negative tropes exist and we shouldn’t be afraid to combat them.
  • Tory voters don’t want a privatised NHS. That’s why Tory politicians, (a different group), have to pretend that isn’t what they’re up to. 
  • Torys want a nationalised rail service, most of the public do and this will seperate them from their obviously failing politicians.
  • Tories are not a different species, they’re still human and most of them are just as decent as the next person in the context of their everyday lives. Let’s talk to them and not vilify them.
  • Take on and combat directly their purported success on employment figures. Wages down, insecurity up, poverty up,  – this is the SPORTS DIRECT ECONOMY.

8) How do we deal with people’s concerns about immigration?

  • You have to confront racism directly and not collude with it. We need to address the real concerns that people have. Crime, Public service burden, and cultural isolation. There are stats and narratives that explode all of these. They just needed repeated airing.
  • Increase minimum wage to living wage to counterbalance effect of exploited immigrant labour

9) How can labours mass membership be mobilised?

  • EASY- get this bullshit over with and start fighting for power.
  • We will have a force of in excess of 600,000 members. These people have the energy and inspiration to fight and persuade in a targeted way across the country.
  • Mobilise them to go into marginals and convert national messages into local vote winning.
  • This is only possible with the person that inspired them to get into/back into labour in the first place. JEREMY CORBYN.

 

image
A rare photograph of Owain Jones putting the sword into the stone.

 

Bdog – A new way forwards in the digital media space

Bdog 1

We all know it’s hard to get heard in the 21st Century. Life is a lot more noisy and the digital social media super-space is a lot more crowded than it used to be 100 years ago. So, how do you get your messages across? How do people find out about your bullshit products? Whether you’re a budding Branson – a Hoxton based ‘start-up’ entrepreneur, a chemical weapons social enterprise, or a simply a digital narcissist looking to attract attention to your vapid rubbish – life in the digital space can often be an overcrowded and Victorian fetid heap of raw sewage. Is the answer Search Engine Optimisation? Many have tried but getting space on the worlds biggest advertising billboard, (Google), is quite difficult unless you have stacks of cash. Sadly, having stacks of cash almost invariably means you have nothing interesting to say, and therefore a boredom circle is created.

Everyone here, including the speaker, is bored.
Everyone here is bored. (including the speaker)

A boredom circle is like a vicious circle but less exciting.

So, if SEO is out, what’s in?!! What about pretending you are someone else? it worked for Grant Shapps and look where it got him. He now holds a key position in a highly succesful ‘Yakuza-style’ group that – despite its nefarious activity, harm to innocent bystanders and biscuit-crumbling ineptitude, still manages to be popular with ordinary ‘people’*. But, pretending to be someone else isn’t for everyone. (It also confuses the notion of what ‘everyone’ is because some of that ‘everyone’ is the same person, but that’s for another time). It’s not for most people. Most people don’t want to scheme and cheat their way into The Death Stars slowly rotting hulk in order to throw bits of gristle at the public.It’s not for everyone.

*are they people? really, are they people?

So, how can you get heard in the digital media social blog space?

One of the easiest ways to get heard in the digital age is to try to legally adopt Rupert Murdoch as your parent.  

Your new parent
Your new parent

This technique worked really well for Rebekah Brooks. After leaving her singing career behind, changing her name and adopting Rupert Murdoch as her dad she rose to the top of the bottom of journalism. (not the bottom of the top). She became so popular in the media hyperspace that she could allegedly ruin people’s lives, allegedly oversee criminal activity at a newspaper, allegedly destroy a newspaper, then not allegedly get a job back at a newspaper empire, whose influence is so great they can help execute people with drones. Still, maybe trying to become one of Rupert’s children doesn’t appeal to you. or your shitty start-up. So, how can you progress in the social digital media super blog space?

Hey!!! You could try a super-hot technique I’ve been working on. It doesn’t involve lying, divorcing your parents or being gently stroked by a withered and blackened claw before bedtime.

Is this what you want before bedtime? IS IT?

This new technique is called Bdogging, and I guarantee it will get you heard in the modern social media hyperthread. In the modern social digital vomit space. Vomit. Here’s my step by step guide to Bdogging.

1) Get a ‘blog space’
2) Write your ill-conceived, vacuous, self-conscious drivel on the blog ‘space’.
3) Make sure it’s TL;DR with no pictures, big words and references that make you look clever.
4) Print out the blog
5) Print out the references
6) Find a dog
7) Attach your blog and it’s references to the dog. (This is now a Bdog).
8) Identify where your target audience is.
9) Get an item of clothing from the target audience and give to dog.(optional).
10) Release dog.

Now your really Bdogging!

Bdog Disaster

Here’s what happened to me… My target audience? A mysteriously wealthy and ethically nebulous social cluster of people known as Whitechapel Hipsters. After an epic journey lasting 3 minutes I found a ‘nest’. I found a coffee-house that sold good coffee in small cups to thin people with expensive laptops. After ordering a pistachio croissant and a peruvian bulletproof arabica, I managed to steal a suede winklepicker,  a leather scarf and a monocle. Don’t ask how. It was fine. It was all fine. I attached my last blog and references to the dog, and then let it snuffle and sniff at the clothing. Even though my last blog was poorly thought out and badly written .I felt it needed a wider audience. I bristled with excitement. I let the Bdog out.

In a hairy flash the Bdog charged full pelt into the cafe. The Bdog yelped and barked, the people yelped and barked, everyone yelped and barked.  Like a chiwawa trapped inside a pin ball machine the Bdog destroyed nearly everything. GPUs became infused with lime machiato and Demerara;  power leads tripped, ripped and pulled a bounty of 11 Powerbooks to refurb doom. Quickly, too quickly – they turned on each other. In 4 angry minutes all that was left was some matted and bloody pieces of my blog and a beard. And a dog. A Bdog.
Bdogging: It's not for everyone

It’s not for everyone

Reality Is Complicated Action Is Simple

Reality Is Complicated, Action Is Simple

Disclaimer: this isn't a very cohesive, consistent or even correct blog. It's tangental, flawed and rambling but I'm publishing it because it's been too long in the making and i have to get it over and done with before moving on to better things.

Reality Header

I like Adam Curtis. I like him because his view of the world seems to be fairly similar to mine. He is in my in-group, my righteous and insightful crowd – who have a largely correct appraisal of reality. I’m writing this partially in response to watching ‘Bitter Lake’, (AC’s latest effort on IPlayer), and partly because of my propensity to instinctively rebel against tribal-politic. Apart from the central historical narrative, ‘Bitter Lake’ was about the fact that reality is more complex than our existing political and mainstream belief system allows for. It seems that historically there have been periods when it was relatively easy to understand reality, and come to: A) an understanding of what is happening in the world and B) some kind of moral judgement on what is happening in the world. It could be argued that our existence hasn’t become more complicated; it just seems that way as we are aware of more of it through greater access to information.(although TBH this does make existence more complicated). It’s far more likely that modern life on planet earth IS more complicated. Why? Our planet, its’ eco system, our information, our finances, our cultures, beliefs, resources, structures, views, feelings, interactions, group and personal feedback loops have never been as interconnected and interdependent as they are now. (1 in 7 people on the planet is on FB apparently -FFS).

Never before has humanity had such a mirror; and what a beautiful and incomprehensible reflection it is. – Me. In this blog. In 2015.

In 2115 when my blog is housed as a cultural relic, in the recently submerged Science Museum, people will probably marvel about how simple things were in 2015. Perhaps it is only possible to attribute clarity to the past. When you claim to understand the present, and even worse – the future, you’re often wrong. Here’s one of many examples…

The precise moment when Fukyama realised he was wrong.
The precise moment when Fukyama realised he was wrong.

In the later half of the 20th Century there appeared to be a clear ideological battle between Capitalism ,( mistakenly intertwined with democracy), and Communism, (fatally associated with totalitarianism). Apparently, this battle ended when the USSR failed and this caused the End of history. Clearly, Fukyama was wrong.

“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” ― Philip K. Dick, VALIS

Evidence of humanity’s desperate search for meaning, and paid income as a blogger – is everywhere. The best place to view our increasingly banal and frothing psychosis is here.

CIF:  “A self annihaliting intersectional Ven Puddle in which everyone is slowly drowning through overlapping contradiction”

During Operation Protective Edge In the latest hideous escalation of the Israel/Palestine conflict I found myself arguing with both the left, (Pro-Palestine?/Anti-Isreal?), and some Jewish friends who seemed to support, or sympathise with Israels position. To me, many on the left flirted with at worst antisemitism, and at best an overly simplistic appraisal of Israel as a cartoon villain. The left conveniently ignored the antisemitism expressed by anarcho-favourites like Gaza Youth Breaks Out, and many mainstream Palestinian Leaders.Those that chose to ‘Stand With Israel’ were seeming able to do so in the face of inarguable brutality and disregard for human life. It is testament to the brilliance of Hasbara that most didn’t crumble beneath the immense weight of cognitive dissonance. Luckily helpful phrases like this make graphic images of dead children and death tolls easier to bear:

“When peace comes, we will perhaps in time be able to forgive the Arabs for killing our sons, but it will be harder for us to forgive them for having forced us to kill their sons.” – Golda Meir.

Still, the left blithely ignored the fact that Hamas was, day in – day out, trying to kill innocent Israelis. Admittedly they weren’t very good at it, but they really, really, really tried – and to ignore this is a pantomime delusion. Reality is complicated.

Reality is Complicated Action is simple

An act of violence emerges whole and binary like an integer, from seemingly unsolvable blackboard algorithms. Violence only ever destroys or divides. No matter how necessary it seems, or how horrific the outcome it also perpetuates the illusion of absolute rights and absolute wrongs, and forces people to pick sides. This is aided by the fact that it feels comfortable to be right, and uncomfortable to be wrong. Luckily, there are ways to ensure that you stay comfortable.

1) Make sure you have the insight and introversion of a brick.

2) Surround yourself with people who are like you and tend to agree with you.

3) Make sure you are action and task focused and don’t think about distant and abstract concepts like inequality, social justice, loss aversion or dead refugees in trucks.*

4) Pick a side. No matter what the situation, however complicated it is – make sure you rush to judgement and pick a side. When you’ve done that, continue to support that side. They are your team. The other teams are idiots or bad people. You can never leave your team, you must be loyal.Reality is static. Changing your mind means you are weak.

*I wrote this before the terrible images of drowned children started to surface and refugees became a ‘human interest story‘.

The Clear Evil of ISIS
The Clear Evil of ISIS

There are good guys and bad guys. Conveniently all the bad guys can be found in the same place. Racists, Terrorists, Bad Guys, and Hipsters – they’re always other people. Even if the person you’re talking to has a beard, trousers that are too short, and is drinking a decaf lime & hazelnut latte, in a Shoreditch cereal bar, listening to Everything Everything’s latest album, whilst considering what their next internet start-up is going to be  – it is highly unlikely they’d consider themselves to be a hipster. Have you ever met anyone that has described themselves as a racist?

Triumphant Cup Final Heroes of 1968
Triumphant FA Cup Final Winners of 1968

How many people have you seen wearing a ‘This is what a misogynist looks like’ T-shirt? (Probably none, although if it exists at all it could probably be found in Shoreditch). Do you think ISIS think ISIS are the bad guys? – probably not. What does this all mean? Anyone, with any influence or power needs to be in therapy. If you don’t understand yourself. If you cannot see and live with your own flaws. If you think that reality is constructed from Duplo, and have the cynical and simple answer to everything. If you have the insight of a brick and cannot see the glass house you live in, then please. Please. Stop.

Leadership Skills
Leadership Skills

I, Robot. U, Occupy

*Just in case you’re not very good at empathy, I’ve helpfully put some emoticons in the corner of the photographs to approximate how I was feeling.

“Cold Benevolent gaze”

Well there you go, after many years of protesting and activism, I finally got what was coming to me all along…a kick in the shin from a police ‘man’. I put the word ‘man’ in quotes not because I’m about to go into some rehashing of contemporary gender politic, but because the word ‘man’ – in the context of policeman -implies the entity would be human. However, I’m not really sure we can take this for granted. Whilst I’m not suggesting the police are literally cyborgs or robots, in some situations they appear to lose their humanity. There are many reasons for this and whilst I dont agree entirely with her conclusions, @stavvers has written a really good piece on the police, and police culture  here, if you’re interested.  If the police were actually robots, at least we’d know where we stand. Life would be consistent, and we’d get a consistently winning smile, just like mr robocop on the right there.  Just imagine that before your tents are blown to pieces by a plasma beam, or military grade armour piercing bullets, you would have that  stony and heartless benevolent gaze looking down upon on you.

“REMOVE YOUR TENT.YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY” he/she/it says.

“why should I remove it? its my right to peacefully protest”

“REMOVE YOUR TENT. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY” he/she/it says.

“Your jobs next mate, why dont…”

“I AM A ROBOT. CONCEPTS LIKE JOB SECURITY ARE MEANINGLESS TO ME. I HAVE WD40 AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO COMPLY” he/she /it says

“We have solidarity with you, we’re all the 99…”

batman 2 kapow explosion bigBLAM!!!! KERPOW!!! SMASH!!! KERPLUNK! YAHTZEE!!

Whilst the police may not literally be robots I think that most of us would be better off if they followed the Three Laws of Robots, as initially set out by Isaac Asimov.

1   A robot/police officer may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2   A robot/police officer must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3   A robot/police officer must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Why? The police officer is a paradox. They are part machine, and part human, (and sometimes all idiot). This is an unresolvable conflict. Like the army they are tools, (in many senses of the word), to execute utilitarian decision making or principles. This means even if the system, and its laws, were perfect that at the very least, they will be forced into acting against a minority of peoples benefit for the supposed benefit of the majority. For a human being this is only sustainable as a pattern of behaviour if*:

*list not exhaustable

  • You become desensitised to your own, and others personal distress.
  • You have no personal political or philosophical beliefs.
  • You have the wrong, (facist/authoritarian), set of beliefs.
  • You can sustain high levels of cognitive dissonance.

For a robot the above points are not an issue. A T-X,  for example,  would not develop long term neurosis, self-loathing, seething resentment and misanthropy T-X_Plasma_Disabledbecause ‘The Force’ wasn’t what it has cracked up to be, because ‘the boss doesn’t get it’, because the wife was leaving or because the job had slowly vacuumed all the humanity and love out of them until all the was left was a bleak, nagging sense that ‘something is missing’ and a cloying dread that ‘protesters might have a point’. A robot wouldn’t sublimate this into protester focused rage.  No, a T-X, or R2D2** if you feel my imagery is biased, would just get on with it. More importantly, not only would R2D2 earn the respect of many citizens because of his/her/its ‘Sci-Fi roots’, it would also be able to be programmed to obey The Three Laws of robots. Yesterday, at Occupy, this would have meant that R2d2 would not have accepted orders to ‘rough up’ or intimidate protestors. R2D2 would have refused this because it was following law 2, meaning that orders are not to be obeyed if the result is harming protesters.

I am not proposing to robotise the police force. Only a completely irresponsible, short sighted, inept, destructive, monster in the clothing of a harmless bumbling oaf  would ever suggest that creating unemployment in the vapid pursuit of cost cutting efficiencies this way is ever a good idea. What I am saying is that if the police are going to act like mindless automatons, they should at least do it properly, and start following the right rules.

**if you need a hyperlink to know what R2D2 is, you have no place here. There is nothing for you here. Nothing.

A clichéd puddle of urine in a dusty concrete bowl

There is a genuine likelihood that 2012 could see a worldwide hyperbole shortage. Because of this your, once full, reservoir of vocabulary could become nothing more than a clichéd puddle of urine in a dusty concrete bowl. I hope that in your hour of need, whether you’re a journalist, TV pundit or an ordinary internet simpleton, this ‘Inspiration Board’ may assist you. Good luck my friend…

Inspiration Board

NB: hopefully you will have noticed I’ve tried to ‘spice things up a little bit’ by using innovative, incongruent and unusual fonts. This causes a sense of confusion in the reader, rendering them dull-minded enough to continue reading your torrent of bilge. Once again, good luck my friend.

Cloud Busters needed

In my opinion the speech you have just listened to is one of the most inspirational speeches ever spoken. Although the speech is from an anti-nazi satire made over 70 years ago it seems more than fitting for today because…

The grip of capitalism on our imagination has become so strong it feels like a concrete fortress. As Zizek says – we cannot even imagine a different world. Subjugated by advertising and mainstream propaganda, I would argue that we are experiencing a fascism of the imagination. Read the newspapers, listen to ‘our’ politicians speak and you only hear one message. The message is a homogeneous bland gruel that describes a creeping tolerance of our flawed and bumbling drudgery. The very fabric of our lives is reduced down to bite size managerialisms where the starburst nebula of hope is downgraded to ‘opportunity’, and where the bone snapping gore of murder is upgraded to ‘collateral damage’.

This is not a problem of the left or the right, it is a self serving anaesthetic we all need that protects us from reality. We are grateful for this somnambulant grip. We are glad because without this calm re-assurance, every ounce of our materialistic pleasure and leisure, comes with the knowledge it has been wrung from a distant someone else’s neck.

The words of the speech resonate with me because they point to an alternative, not based on complicated theory, but based on basic principles that are accessible to all. The speech also resonates because of its delivery. Unlike the deluge of monotonal mulch that spews from parliament, the speech is spoken with a genuine passion for something different – an epiphanal moment of cloud-busting hope.  Can you remember the last time you heard ‘a leader’ with any power speak with a passion? If power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely then lets have a look at what this corruption means. Beyond the obvious self serving gluttony that we associate with the elite there is another form of corruption. This corruption is the loss of hope and the degradation of imagination. I believe that those in charge have no hope. At this point in history, assumed omniscience is far more dangerous than naivety. Realism is vital for implementing change, but it is not the fuel of progress or imagination – and without imagination there is no hope. Our leaders are dead on their feet. They are slowly facing up to the realisation that the numbers tucked neatly inside the palid spreadsheet green offer nothing. As the latest parade of shuffling advisors appears all they’ll be able to notice is the creases in the suits and the missing shirt buttons. Its up to us now. Naivety – creativity – we need you. I’d rather be optimistically wrong than pessimistically right. What’s the alternative?

Fighting the great depression (we’re all in this together)

It feels like gravity has finally won. The wall paper of your mind is nicotine stained yellowing flock and is no longer available in the shops. Gripped by inertia, the outwards is dragged inwards and eventually downwards towards your chipped sideboards and patchy brown carpet.

Leaving behind the sagging wall paper, the pizza crust crumbs, and fag butt – coffee cup – gloop, you venture outside… but you are segregated. Separated by an invisible film and trapped in a salt water bubble you cant really be present –  and are somehow always there, never here. The magic of a trillion pinball variables is nowhere to be found and X is no longer  = Y + 3 – Z+ 4.7231,  X=X…at best. Inertia’s trick is to keep you looking backwards and life has, once again, become a visit to a museum. A beige coated janitor shuffles along a dust blanket dim corridor. Portions of micro history from his decaying life, are layed out in single file. Behind a dulled translucent glass are the exhibits…

item 234.56 “The time we called in sick and  made love until there was nothing left”,

item 4567.23 “another attempt to fuse two separate souls”,

item 234.5 “The dancing light on the Thames”,

item 678.99 2 “The greatest Joke I’ve ever told”

You dust off another exhibit, and no matter how hard you try you can only vaguely make out the form behind the thick glass.  This is one of the many tricks that the museum of life has to offer the depressed visitor. Good exhibits are almost impossible to see. They are badly catalogued and poorly mounted. All you can really see is the proud techni-colour gristle of your failings.

item 897.34 “A brass rubbing of an awkward silence”

item 931.35 “letting your girlfriend down”

item 1051 “all the things you never said”

Ultimately, the exhibition makes you feel powerless. Depression’s illusion is to make you think that the exhibition is life. It is not. Life is the 4D sprawl that fizzes and pops outside the museum exit. Outside the museum, life still twists and turns with never-ending variety and if you look closely enough everything is different.

Unfortunately, one of our greatest strengths – our ability to adapt – can lead us into trouble. As easily as you can get used to the temperature of a room, the cloying sense of damp or the existence of Jeremy Clarkson,  you can segue into an entirely different psychological continent without even realising you’ve left your front room. Depression does not always hit you in an ‘all at once’ cinematic crush, sometimes it takes days, weeks, years even to realise things have changed.

I believe that’s what’s true for us individually can often also can be observed of us collectively. We often hear or say phrases like “you don’t need more than that do you?”,  “its the simple things that are the most important”, “you’ve just got to make the best of it haven’t you” but I’ve come to think that, as valid as these are, they are the ‘Positive Mental Attitude’ of a battery chicken. Once we were free range. Now we are battery. However, as I write this more, and more people across the world are waking up.

 In much of the criticism of the ‘occupy movement’ there is an implicit phallacy that is constantly alluded to. Although its never been published, many people seem to have read:  ‘How to successfully overturn a global hegemony and create utopia in one blinding flash of revolutionary glory – for dummies. Apparently, the history of revolutions is one of carefully thought out diamond-cut-crystalline logical 10 point plans. Apparently a small band of people with amazing FSU skills, (like the A-Team), can single handedly overturn an infinitely complex web of interdependent financial collusion.

Broken windows can be repaired, marches can be stopped, people can be arrested but ideas are invincible, and this is what ‘They’ are afraid of. I believe in violent and non-violent, direct, and indirect action. I believe in activism. I believe in tents. I believe in general assemblies. I believe in all of these things because their existence causes people to think differently. Entering into a depression is as easy as thinking differently. Escaping from depression is as simple as thinking differently.(Simple isoften far from easy). The #occupy movement is beginning to cause people to think differently and is infiltrating the mainstream media. When anti-capitalism is being discussed on ‘The One Show’, I think we’re heading in the right direction. The combination of sanitized and non- sanitized  protest is as powerful a combination as we need. Every tent at #occupyLSX will give  the inevitable images of the Nov 9th a context that may provoke, and not deter, more thought.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

The economy is slipping into a depression, and we are coming out of one.

#occupyLSX #occupyfs #ows #occupy #nov9 #nov30 

Sigma 7 Corporate Cluster F**k

“GOD DAMN IT GEOFF!!”

“…”

“JESUS…YOU SAID HE WAS SIGMA 7…YOU….SAID!!”

“I know… I f***king know already, I’m sure he mentioned it – we…we were talking about stuff when Allan, uhm… started going on about MS projects and Prince 2…and…Alan’s always”

“F*CK… ALLAN!!”

On the 43rd floor of Epicentre Towers, something had happened. Something terrible had happened. The temperature was now fluctuating rapidly as wave after wave of real breeze™ gushed in, frothing and flowing with the 75° air con. Three out of 8 Windows on the East side were completely missing. Those that remained were spattered with jagged fracture lines & suppressed violence. In here, geometry had fought for survival. 

In the centre of the open plan office a huge human being lay crumpled and motionless at his desk. This bloated wretch resembled a jelly tightly packed into a bulging sweat water-bed – it was once a crisp white shirt. The monitor, which he had been using with only moderate success, was flickering on and off at a frequency immune to algorithms. Only nature understood this. Even though the screen was only visible for micro seconds, the Windows™ trained human eye could still detect the dead-end alley zombie attack that is the MS blue screen.

“FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR”

A sweaty cheek was pressed in tight communion with the Aero QWERTY keyboard. From a gently twitching lip, a dribble trail reached the letter ‘k’.  

Sprawling out to his right, his pork pink fingers desperately clasped a Microsoft optical mouse. You have just been introduced to Tim Pacalis. Tim was Vice President of Global Project Management –  SE Asia & Europe. Until 11.27am today, he had an unblemished track record. It was also of note that it was only within the last few hours that Tim had become acquainted with the slang: “Cluster F**k”. This expression was being helpfully projectile vomited into existence by Ken. Ken was an angry and frustrated man. He hated himself. Luckily the world of corporate project management allowed him to transmogrify the acrid and bitter smack of his personal vacuum into “GETTING THINGS DONE®”. He was only capable of speaking in UPPERCASE, Font size 72, IMPACT.

Through the shattered windows the air continued to ebb and flow. The photocopier spun and clunked its inkless grinding loop – it was focused and intent on only one outcome – self-immolation. Soon it would no longer be a Cannon 156a Colour-Copy™. Soon it would be a machine martyr. In amongst the never read meeting minutes, millions & millions of photocopiers around the world would sneak in copy after copy after copy of 156a in its plastic flame melt glory.

The gentle bubbling blue of the water cooler had been mutilated by a cubist. The bulbous blue was now a jigsaw of bent plastic angles. The coolers contents, (on average 5 Gallons), had been absorbed by the revolting brown carpet tiles. Beneath the UPPER CASE shout down you could hear the snap – crackle – hum of live electric current. A mesh of tangled wires had broken through the ceiling and they dangled like the roots a of huge electric tree. The roots quivered and swayed in the gentle breeze only inches above Tim’s head. Nonchalantly they waited for their sweet connect. From 25 handset hang ups a chorus of engaged tones played with no conductor. The kettle was a Dali remodel melt, and steam from its entrails had transformed the kitchen. Its weeping pot plants luxuriated in the tropical mist, and a column of red ants carrying post-it notes scurried out towards the great open plan. They marched across the brown tiles, and onto the blue blubber. They marched around a huge melancholy eye, across the head, and around the spout; they marched and they marched, and now onto the huge blue open expanse – they marched, heading East towards the tail and the 43 floor drop. The post-it notes flicker and flutter in the wind. Visible from the pavement below, its tail flipped from side to side as it slowly drowned. Its only hope – (the worlds largest crane) – was unhelpfully stationed in Dubai.

Tim Capalis slipped into a dreamy stupor and Pamela Anderson presented him with a cheque. He was project manager of the year again.

Behemoth death match apocalypse

A seamless montage.

Two men are sitting at a table. On the shoulder of one of the men sits a yellow macaw which twitches and skits, listening intently to their conversation. The table was manufactured in the 1970’s as it proudly boasts a marble chess board built into its surface. Tired super-tan fingers scrape the pieces back and forth across the board, and the game creeps asymptotically towards a stalemate. Just beneath the cufflinks a fake Rolex peeks out and winks in the sunshine. The two participants appear to be old friends and whilst opposing views are exchanged, the levels of interest or consequence never reach any further than that of a salmon and broccoli quiche. They are drinking Pinot Grigio. There is nothing remarkable about their appearance. They are a montage of every person you’ve ever seen, in every shopping center, in every town and every place that exists outside of  zone 3. They are pine. They are I-stock.

‘Tweet tweet’ says the Macaw. It is happy , it  likes being at the table.

The table is positioned on a vast concrete plain, that stretches as far as the eye can see.

Far, far away on the horizon, a battle rages. Bones are crushed and buildings mangled. Technicolour death rays pitch and swing to the rumble and crunch of megaton footwork. Godzilla grabs a nameless wretch by the throat, and it’s G-force slammed into a multi story carpark. F-16’s are flying in, and nuclear options are being considered- (again). A Range Rover crumples like tin foil and, shortly before their demise, its occupants are forced to consider that driving to ‘Habitat’ might have been pointless.

Back at the table, the distant hum of the behemoth death match apocalypse is barely audible.

“Of course…of course, well you would say that wouldn’t you?!…I mean its always “

“Oh come on, you lot are exactly the same  aren’t you? Becuase..”

“Yes but under the previous government…”