It’s the year 3031. Life is easy, but that wasn’t always the case. The threat of global warming was defeated by Elon Musk who, in 2022, invented a ‘hyper-refrigerator’. Within a year of this staggering event, Amazon and Google revealed their long concealed plot to establish fully automated luxury communism via a clever use of drones and search algorithms. This was even more shocking as it was revealed that Jeff Bezos and Yannis Varoufakis were actually the same person. However, none of this would have been possible if it wasn’t for the, now legendary, events that took place in Great Brexian during the ‘summer’ of 2016. This, my furry friends , is the story of how fully-automated-socialistic- anarcho-marxomatic-Corbo- Utopianism came to be born…
For years the Arthurian myth of Owain Jones was dismissed as hearsay, a whisp on the wind, a flurry of fancy in a frothy cappuccino casino of decaf latte. But now for the first time, here is the truth…
Through a laughably basic medium known as the Internet ( yes, the thing that caused the robot wars), Owain ‘published’ something known as a ‘bog’. A Bog was a means for people to express opinions that people wouldn’t pay to ‘read’*, (when money** still existed).
*what happened before you just knew everything.
**a means of quantifying unhappiness
Prior to the ‘Nullification Of Opposites’ there used to be a conceptual struggle within the populace over something called politics. With no proven scientific expertise or ability Owain managed to change the course of history with 9 simple challenges – in the form of a ‘Bog’. Comparable to the trails of Hercules or the riddle of the Sphinx many a leftist died, mainly of boredom, trying to overcome these fiendish problems until one day, one glorious and exultant day, when the solution appeared. A person known as Richard Burgon solved the riddles simply by shouting really really loudly in a compelling manor. There was no sword.There was no stone. There was only shouting. Here is a record of that shouting:
The answers to Owains Challenges: (imagine the answers in a compelling shouty voice, in a hall, in Leeds, over a thousand years ago).
1) How can the disastrous polling be turned around?
- Owen Smith stands down/JC Wins the leadership contest
- Leftist NEC is secured. HQ starts to function
- Party unites and/or sabotage is met with Mason Strategy
- Combine increased MSM presence, lack of counter-briefing, targeted social media campaign, grass roots mobilisation and clear messaging on positive and inclusive policies that appeal to all.
- This doesn’t mean millibandian triangulation but simple and positive repeated messages that are timeless and true.
- Eg – inequality is bad for everyone. We don’t need to appeal directly to altruism for this arguement to appeal to selfish Tory shits. It is scientifically evidenced and a few key facts on repeat would soon wake people up.
- Employ a better comms team.
2) Where is the clear vision?
- Buried beneath layer upon layer of toxic sabotage and collusion with mainstream media. The messages are simple now, and have been since the start. Getting them out with a sabotaging PLP is almost impossible. The vision is what inspired you to campaign for him in the first place, it hasn’t changed much.
- He will be setting it out clearly, again, over the next few weeks due to the shitty leadership contest
3) How are the policies significantly different from the last general election?
- A slightly irrelevant question. All that matters is what the policies are, who they appeal to, and how they are communicated.
- Issue with last election was triangulated often contradictory policies and messaging that few could easily digest. Is predatory capitalism an easy concept to grasp? NO. Is sort of being against austerity, but not really being against it and accepting criticisms of labours previous record clear? NO
- Labour is loudly and clearly anti-austerity, pro-public spending and pro-equality. If this was the case at the last election it wasn’t even vaguely clear.
4) What’s the media strategy?
- The digital strategy is clear, it is weak on MSM. Either Seamus doesn’t really know what he’s doing or it’s, quite possibly impossible to get anything done in the toxic environment they’re in. Change of staff needed if no improvement soon.
- Other part of media strategy should be to get rid of toxic PLP members ‘a la Mason’. How can you get any messages across if people within your own party constantly contradict you to the delight of the right wing media. You can only do it if the party is united. It will only be united if toxic part is removed.
5) What’s the strategy to win over the over 44s?
- Easy, most of Corbo’s policies are immensely appealing to this group. Start talking about them in the language and context of these peoples lives.
- Job security is really important to these people. Corbo has the policies for this.
- Low cost education for children and youths are important. He has the policies for this.
- Enabling young people to leave the nest through housing is important. He has the policies for this.
- Good quality infrastructure – transport and local services also really important to this group. He has the policies for this.
6) What’s the strategy to win over Scotland?
- This is a pointless waste of time in this current moment. It is football team politics to even bother with this. Strike up an alliance with the SNP, an others, and worry about the precious football branding another time. We need the SNP to defeat the Tories. Trying to ‘win over Scotland’ will detract energy from where it really needs to go – next question.
7) What’s the strategy to win over conservative voters?
- Appeal to the small c. Preserve and enhance what is great about this country. Things won’t get worse for Tory voters, they’ll get better. Address them directly. Go to their heartlands.
- Poverty loses the economy 78bn etc. Inequality is bad for everyone etc. Crime will drop. Investment in public sector will improve their lives. Appeal to small businesses and entrepreneurs. JC has the policies for all of this.
- Get Clive Lewis out more – him being an ex-solider seems patriotic and some how contradictory to leftism. Can play on this, and should. Negative tropes exist and we shouldn’t be afraid to combat them.
- Tory voters don’t want a privatised NHS. That’s why Tory politicians, (a different group), have to pretend that isn’t what they’re up to.
- Torys want a nationalised rail service, most of the public do and this will seperate them from their obviously failing politicians.
- Tories are not a different species, they’re still human and most of them are just as decent as the next person in the context of their everyday lives. Let’s talk to them and not vilify them.
- Take on and combat directly their purported success on employment figures. Wages down, insecurity up, poverty up, – this is the SPORTS DIRECT ECONOMY.
8) How do we deal with people’s concerns about immigration?
- You have to confront racism directly and not collude with it. We need to address the real concerns that people have. Crime, Public service burden, and cultural isolation. There are stats and narratives that explode all of these. They just needed repeated airing.
- Increase minimum wage to living wage to counterbalance effect of exploited immigrant labour
9) How can labours mass membership be mobilised?
- EASY- get this bullshit over with and start fighting for power.
- We will have a force of in excess of 600,000 members. These people have the energy and inspiration to fight and persuade in a targeted way across the country.
- Mobilise them to go into marginals and convert national messages into local vote winning.
- This is only possible with the person that inspired them to get into/back into labour in the first place. JEREMY CORBYN.